There's a couple of things that I want to touch on tonight. In part because of how many different people I saw today and played how many different roles.
- Dad and Simon were both here.
- I worked on Heathercain.ca for a fair while.
- I met with Devin Howard about KISS. (He might be interested in an intro weekend)
- I developed the beginning of a plan for Wednesday night LRC meetings.
- I met the Household as we always do on Monday.
- I went out for a drink with Geoffrey at the Fox and Fiddle to say farewell.
Important Notes From Today:
At one point today Jean motioned that we make the multi-purpose room available to Simon anytime that he needed it. Of course this felt like an overwhelming prospect given the feelings of responsibility I have when he's here in such a sad state. Not to mention just the prospect of sharing this home with him. These feelings I think are mainly territorial feelings left over from childhood. However, I see how it makes sense to make that space available and of course I am first and foremost concerned with the well being of my brother (in tandem with my own) so I want that space to be available to him.
On another note, Dad has been here the past couple days too and I have been trying to gauge his interaction here. What does it mean to him to be here? What does it mean to me? It was nice to see that Dad felt safe enough sometimes here to go into a vulnerable state of emotion, even if it was only ever so brief. I imagine that he must have a lot, but it's hard for me to touch into it with him. I think that he most often went into that place talking to Jean. For me, I realized as Dad was leaving today that I found his visit a bit challenging. Mainly because for the most part I sensed that he was here to see Simon and be with him. And that makes sense. I do feel though, that there is some part of me that is starving for attention from my parents, as much as I don't tend to reach out for that contact.
Regarding KISS and setting ourselves up for next year, Devin and I did some great brainstorming and planning today. Primarily, we set ourselves up on bettermeans.com to see if that will be a helpfull management tool for the exec. I'm really excited about modelling a flat governance system on this scale in KISS and knowing that Devin is stoked about that too will be a big part in making it happen. I'm still contemplating the question: How can I be a facilitator of communication, rather than a director.
~House Reflection Circle~
It was a very interesting night in the Household. With an initial group of Jean, Tanya, Emma, Todd, Adam, and I we listened to Jean talk for a while about Resilient Waterloo and how it connects to the Household. Once receiving some feedback about that Jean had to leave to complete more resilience work. I think we were all aware of the significance of Jean's non-presence, but throughout the opening round people just spoke to where they were at. The general trend being "at-capacity". Noticing the Household moving extraordinarily quickly and in a way that doesn't always reflect flow, or at least feel like that as a subjective experience (Adam's). Most importantly, we examined our relationships without Jean in the room. Somehow forcing us to connect more directly with the group. The conversation spiraled into meaning as we got talking about vulnerability and abandoning our tendencies to try and do things on our own. We increase the capacity of everyone when we're connected. Interesting how, while talking about that connection, our connection was actually growing. There's something about self-organization and self-governance that really stood out tonight. Without Jean there, at first I think we all felt ever so slightly lost. But it was so gratifying to find ourselves getting to the same kind of meaningful place (one that wouldn't have happened in Jean's presence). At one point in the meeting, I touched into emotion that reflected a deepening connection with Adam, one that arose out of a conversation + dancing that Adam and we had done the night before. When he finally got to respond, I sensed a few things in him reflecting on my sharing. I got the feeling that what I had said had shocked him and that the connection I felt was not necessarily the same one he felt because he has done a lot to tighten and close himself off from deep connection. Trying to make himself invulnerable. And while he recognized that this was sometimes useful and necessary, now is a time that he is willing and open to exploring deeper relationships with the Household. I felt affirmed about the ways in which opening ourselves up to others provides opportunities and excitement that wouldn't be there without. Adam commented on how he was genuinely smiling and finding humour in tonight's interactions in way that he hasn't in a few weeks.
In regards to process I had one thing come up tonight after I had shared with Adam. Todd began to speak and I immediately got very upset. Apparently Todd was aware and he asked about continuing, to which I agreed, and he decided to carry on with what he was saying. I don't think it's particularly important now, although it has left me with a bit of strange feeling toward him. I think I'll just hold onto that feeling and try to stay connected as a challenge to myself.
The other big thing for me was directed at me by Emma in the closing round. She spoke about my reaching out to engage with her and how she has been in a habit of turning that away. She spoke about how some part of her perceives that if I'm reaching out to her, it's because I need something from her. This makes a lot of sense to me, because last semester when I was dealing with Andrea, Emma was my real place of solace. She was my primary support. I have been trying to think back about my reaching out to her to figure out how accurate her perception is. I think that sometimes it's true that I reach out to her for support, and it's totally understandable that she wouldn't feel able to respond. Other times, and I think the majority now, I am not particularly needing anything, just desiring connection. It's incredible how her speaking about this to me took a lot of pressure out of my head that was starting to develop thoughts like "oh don't bother asking her, you won't get to engage." I'm excited about the possibilities that it opens up for us. A curious thing about tonight's meeting was how we discussed slowing down. I then proceeded to leave in somewhat of a rush and just disappear as soon as the meeting was over. This wasn't an optimal situation and I didn't really want to leave, but I did really want to see Geoff one more time before he left for Vietnam. It's just curious how we can talk about slowing down, but then go and do the opposite right after.
I am really quite fond of this Geoffrey chap though. He just seems to be an all around legitimate guy. I think somehow he played a significant role in this year for me. Anyways he got me to thinking back about this year and reminded me of the first evening that we ever hung out and how it was editing the KISS Intel with Steve Cuddler. I enjoyed how we didn't have to be all upbeat and ridiculous this evening at the Fox and Fiddle we just sat around and talked about the things we usually talk about. And that was just fine. I look forward to collaborating with Geoff on creative projects this summer and ongoing into the future.
Living Room Context:
There have been a number of things growing in my mind about how to move forward with the LRC. The first thing that I am wanting to do is host LRC Discussions on Wednesday night's here at the house. The second thing that I am wanting to do is plan a LRC non-intro Weekend with Tanya. Finally, I want to do some serious work on the LRC website, as well as send out the invite to the LRC Learning Community socialgo. I'd like to think about how these things could all together be sent out in one email to update all those introduced to the Living Room.
As for the Wednesday discussions. I'd like to make them available to anyone who's been introduced. Like to keep a really strong focus on the LRC, self-educating, and community support. Send out the email tomorrow regardless if the rest happens.
LRC Weekend ideas:
- web design weekend
- connect with the garden weekend
- retreat to the farm weekend, barefoot running
- go without vision weekend
- art attack
- resource sharing & organizing weekend **
The LRC site and the LRCLC site are both semi Jean dependent for now.
Tomorrow: make the ChangingTheView2011 video.
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